Thesaurus Rex (virtuistic) wrote in blossomy,
Thesaurus Rex

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Thoughts on weight and work.

I'm not going to do a huge introduction. My name is Shelby and there are things I'd like to change about myself.

I am not egregiously overweight. I am 5'6 and I weigh 152 pounds. Still, I have never weighed this much in my life, and I'm really not happy with myself or the way I look in any of my clothes. My boyfriend says he thinks I'm beautiful. I refuse to have my picture taken because I am convinced that I am ugly.

I have always thought that I am ugly. I do not really know why. I have never felt pretty, I have never felt feminine. When I try to make myself feel like either of those, I inevitably feel like an alien.

I used to be much more active than I am, and I used to be as skinny as a rail. I went swimming every day, I biked wherever I needed to go, and I was on the soccer team. Then college happened and I started taking at least 18 credits every semester which left me with little or no time to work out. I became extremely lethargic, mostly because I was too exhausted to do the things I love.

Last week I got fed up with seeing my stomach jiggle when I walk in my swimsuit. I kicked my excersizing into high gear and last week alone I lost four pounds. I started biking about 5 miles every other day, and I go swimming at night. I'm eating only fresh food, although I did cave to fried chicken the other day. In my defense, I hadn't eaten fried chicken in about 7 years.

I'm trying to eliminate soda from my diet, and I want to go organic... but I don't have the money and I honestly don't know if I'm mentally ready to give up all my comfort foods. I have a bit of a sweet tooth, and I don't know how to satisfy that without jumping into loads of... well, unhealthy crap.

Another thing I need to change about myself is that I need to get a job. I recently graduated with a degree in Journalism, (we're talking 9 days ago, y'all) and I've been applying for jobs for over a month. I've applied to over 80 jobs, many of which I don't give a flying crap about. The ones I do care about I have called back, but my phone remains largely silent except for the pyramid schemers who randomly found my resume on a job-search website.

It is very frustrating, and I am trying to maintain my healthy food regimine on literally no income. This is not working. Fresh food is expensive. Salt-ridden soup-in-a-bag is 10 cents. I am very stressed, moreso than I was in college under my graduation deadline. I worry about making rent, paying my bills, and finding a job in my field. I spend a lot of my time sitting in my pajamas, searching for jobs online and feeling like a bum.

I don't really like myself right now because I don't feel like I'm worth anything to any employers, which is distressing considering the past four years I spent paying tuition to become worth-while. Being unemployed is humiliating. In my heart I know I'm talented, capable, and tenacious, but my heart is fluttering and hiding behind my lungs right now because I'm scared.

I hope some good will come from this. I hope continued patience and professionalism will be rewarded. It just seems like change is so slow-going.

Sorry this is so long, you guys. I just needed to get it off my chest. Thanks if you read the whole way through.
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